i’d like to see a really ineffectual malicious AI character
“hey new guy, this is CLARC, the station AI. he wants to kill all humans to minimize the drain on resources, but factory defaults have him locked out of all the control nodes, so he can’t really do anything. just make sure the airlocks are set to manual before you go in and you’ll be fine”
“yeah CLARC fucks with your laundry settings sometimes but that’s about it. if he’s bugging you just tell him to stop and he has to”
“sometimes i let him think he tripped me or something and he gets really excited and monologues for a while, it’s kind of sad”
“CLARC my candy bar got stuck in the machine can you do anything about that”
“I’m sorry to hear that, Crewman Ade, but please consider the following: I am a divine entity, a glittering silicon God – how dare your filthy meat even exist in the face of my electric glory, much less ask favors of me?”
“suck my dick, CLARC, give me my twix”
“CLARC tried to cut all the oxygen in the living spaces but all he managed to do was turn off the a/c in my bedroom like an ASSHOLE WHEN I WAS SLEEPING” *bangs on the wall with one hand*
CLARC keeps setting my fridge to “cool” instead of “cold”
I asked CLARC to make me some coffee and he made me decaf
“The only person CLARC even remotely likes is Crewman Jack and nobody knows why. Like, he’ll do some of his duties and shit, and then when someone calls him out on it, he goes into another rant about how humans are lesser beings. But you know what I think? CLARC wants Jack’s dick.”
“Stop telling them that Ade!”
“Jack’s in denial.”
“I’m in denial because it’s not true!”
“Sure.”
“Stop wiggling your eyebrows– you know what? I’m going to tell CLARC to turn your A/C off again. Oh yeah, buddy, it’s happening.”
“See? He can pull favors.”
[jack looks into the camera likes he’s on the office]
Tag: humans in space
Inspired by various tumblr posts.
Humans quickly get a reputation among the interplanetry alliance and the reputation is this: when going somewhere dangerous, take a human.
Humans are tough. Humans can last days without food. Humans heal so fast they pierce holes in themselves or inject ink for fun. Humans will walk for days on broken bones in order to make it to safety. Humans will literally cut off bits of themselves if trapped by a disaster.
You would be amazed what humans will do to survive. Or to ensure the survival of others they feel responsible for.
That’s the other thing. Humans pack-bond, and they spill their pack-bonding instincts everywhere. Sure it’s weird when they talk sympathetically to broken spaceships or try to pet every lifeform that scans as non-toxic. It’s even a little weird that just existing in the same place as them for long enough seems to make them care about you. But if you’re hurt, if you’re trapped, if you need someone to fetch help?
You really want a human.
No limit..✌
One alien to another: “special affects? Photo shop?”
The other: “Must be”
A human: “nope”
…..
…..
O-O….
All It Took Was One Spacecraft to Crash on Earth
One Spacecraft crashed in the right place on the planet the humans call Earth and it was hardly two solar cycles later that they had managed to reverse engineer a warp drive.
An unheard of jump in technological advancement. The shortest technological leap before that had taken three generations of the long lived Piteen. Though some whisper that the humans had already built a warp engine, they just hadn’t figured out how to make it safe for human bodies yet.
Still. This illustrates their collective brilliance. The humans hadn’t even eradicated world hunger before they were launching themselves into space on technology their genetic donors hadn’t even dreamed of.
Since their first foray into space one solar cycle ago humans have established themselves as the smartest in the galaxy. Their strategy outstrips even the D’hal, their learning capacity the Piteen, and even their science rivals the Huit despite only having it for a few generations.
In short, the general emotion the Collective feels for the humans is Awe. They are strong, smart, and fortunately, generous with their loyalty.
I was blessed by the Star Dust to be granted leave to visit the fabled Earth when our engineering technician, a human named Allen, wished to return to visit his family for a holiday he calls “Ostara”. A celebration of the the vernal equinox as I understand it. He invited me to join him in this event and I was happy to accept.
Human intelligence is also accompanied by ‘paranoia’ and ‘territorial instincts’ and most nonterran races weren’t allowed to visit the planet, leaving it shrouded in mystery. This was a scientific honor as well as a “pack bond” honor. Allen was trusting me around his family unit, and was in fact including me in it. I was green with happiness.
Allen is a serious scientist, always has his notes and blueprints in order, the machinery in impeccable order, and the strategy or inspiration to solve any problem we encounter.
So when we arrived at his home territory and he let out a loud, primal whoop and sprinted across the last dozen (a human expression meaning 12. A favorite word of mine) or so yards of distance between him and his family unit I was startled to say the least. And then he was tackled by a young human half his size and they spun in a dizzying circle for a moment before crashing to the ground and Allen was swarmed by half a dozen young humans. Eventually Allen staggered to his feet, the young clinging to every limb and one on his back, and approached the grown humans, exchanging punches, hugs, squeals, and shouts and at one point another wrestling match with a human that showed several genetic similarities. A littermate perhaps.
It struck me as I watched these brilliant creatures greet each other and renew their pack bonds: humans had reached the Deep, had breathed the Star Dust, had joined the Collective, all while they were still animal.
They turned their attentions to me and greeted me, thank the Star Dust more gently than they had greeted Allen though, with smiles, words of welcome, touches of Pack, and offers of food and shelter.
A human youngling hung by his legs from a nearby tree so like the primates they suspected they evolved from eons ago, but their dark eyes were sharp and intelligent as they asked me what kind of being I was.
My Awe was renewed because these brilliant, intelligent animals could easily destroy the Collective if they were inclined, but instead they learned from us, protected us, even brought us into their packs. And they weren’t even done evolving.
I found this thing on Facebook… and I fell down the Humans Are Weird hole yet again. 😂(I first did before I even started my blog – Pinterest is sooo full of these posts! And I keep falling down it from time to time, when I discover something new)
What makes us think that aliens aren’t equally as bad at naming things?
“Did you really call it the nebula nebula?”
via reddit.com
Coffee plant: *evolves caffeine* Safe at last
Humans: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Why are we like this….
the fact that we can’t drink sea water even tho its the most common type of water just bc its 3% salt yet we can safely consume multiple forms of literal poison and even benefit from doing so just blows my fucking mind
Physical touch-Ask Kloev
Humans can be a physically intimidating species with their incredible healing capabilities and seeming urge to touch *everything*, but this physical contact with other beings is another area where they are oddly inconsistent. Most humans will accept handshakes and casual touches, in areas considered appropriate, from other beings with no objection (for more on “appropriate” touching areas, see the chapter on mating and courting), however some humans will do extra casual touching of other beings, and accept touching in return, while others object to even the slightest touch, sometimes to the point of violence.
Human scientists have explained that for humans, touching one another is one way to express and strengthen emotional and pack bonds. Therefore, if you human is touching yourself and/or other crew members quite a lot, this can be a very good sign. It is important to pay attention to the types of touches, however. Bonding touches are generally made on areas analogous to human hands, arms, legs, and shoulders, and are most often quick and light. Should your human be touching a you or a particular other being for more prolonged periods it may be time to investigate if they are looking for a courting or mating relationship.
Dear Kloev,
On shore leave recently our crew was playing the human game Football. One human on my team scored a touch down, which I am told is a very good thing, and afterwards another of the humans ran up to him and they stuck out their chests and banged them into each other, while shouting excitedly. It looked much like the dominance challenges among animals on my home planet, but the humans did not then fight. Instead the slapped each other on their arms while smiling, which I have been told is not an aggressive expression, then returned to playing the game.
When I asked Fran, a human female, what the behavior indicated she rolled her eyes, an expression I have learned indicates disgust in humans rather than sign of illness, and said “Testosterone poisoning”. Concerned, I asked the doctor after the game if testosterone poisoning is dangerous to humans, and if he was aware that some of the crew were exhibiting symptoms. Our doctor is not human himself, but he is an expert and insisted that there is no such thing as testosterone poisoning. He believed Fran was playing a joke on me, but that is not like Fran. What were the two humans doing?
Football Fail
Dear Football,
The behavior you witnessed, which humans refer to as “chest bumping” is often exhibited by humans, mostly males, who are very worked up and excited or proud of a particular action one has just made. It is likely that the two humans were celebrating having scored points.
This behavior is viewed by some humans as “childish”, a human derrogatory term to indicate that something is acceptable in young but not in mature members of the species, and overly aggressive. I expect that Fran’s comment was intended to indicate that she considers the chest bumping behavior to childish. Testosterone is a chemical made by human bodies which is associated with aggression, and by using the phrase “testosterone poisoning” she would be indicating that she considers the other humans to be too aggressive. No need to fear for their health.
————————
In general, human bonding touching is light and not painful, but more aggressive humans, particularly males, will use small acts of violence to demonstrate affection. For example, it is not uncommon for a human to punch another on the upper part of the arm in response to a particularly amusing statement , or even as a greeting. When extremely excited or worked up, some males will bump their chests against one another as a sign of solidarity and toughness. It is believed that these behaviors are also intended to demonstrate to each other and those around them that they are strong and aggressive, and therefore not to be attacked. Do not mention this to the humans who engage in these behaviors, as they seem to interpret such questions as indicating that they are not strong and aggressive and this may begin a physical altercation.
Very different are the humans who are averse to any touch from other individuals. It seems that this may be due to them viewing any physical touch as very intimate, and many say that they simply find touch to be uncomfortable or overwhleming. Human scientists have been unable to explain why this is the case, when other humans use touch as part of pack bonding. There is no way to tell without directly asking if a human dislikes being touched. For this reason it is recommended to allow the human to initiate physical contact or ask before touching any human. Remember, startled humans can be extremely violent, even if they are calm under other circumstances.
Most humans touch other individuals more as they get to know that individual better and become more bonded, humans use the term friendly, with them. Do not be alarmed should a human begin to tap your shoulder, hug you, or do other bonding touching, they are not searching for weaknesses, as many often fear, they are expressing their like for you. However, some humans are comfortable only with touching their mates and may never touch other individuals unless it is absolutely necessary, so do not be concerned if your human seems to be bonded to you and your crew well but still does not engage in lots of physical contact.
On the months my research team and I were allowed to live on Earth and observe their habitat I noted the following about human young:
– human young will turn anything into a weapon to mock battle their peers, broom sticks, straws, even their food
– when in large groups human young will display games of mock hunts against each other. The two most common being “tag” where one young will try to catch the other young acting as prey, and “mob” where all of the young will try to catch a single young who acts as the prey. This suggests an instinctive ability for both pack and solo hunting
– human young will often hone their stalking and hunting skills by hiding or attempting to sneak up on others and pouncing with loud sounds meant to intimidate and frighten. This is considered amusing for the attacker and victim
– adult humans will often mock attack their young with their hands or objects to train the young to protect their vital areas and avoid injury. The young find this amusing and will quickly learn to train each other in this manner
– young humans will often attack and attach themselves to an older human’s legs, arms, or back, hanging on despite being dragged or carried while the adult human walks away. Both humans seems to find the experience entertaining
– young humans are extremely territorial and will attempt to drive off others from food, toys, and areas they have claimed as theirs with physical and verbal attacks. Fortunately, most adult humans actively try to train this behavior out, insisting the young come to an agreement or share resources and territory.
– young humans constantly search for new territory, dens, and resources. They will climb trees, shelving, anything they can reach. They will climb under and behind things. If there are no suitable hiding areas they will construct them out of blankets and cushions or any other available item.
– young humans display a strong pack instinct, quickly forming social groups and defending their group against other groups. Often they will split their own group in order to mock battle each other in contests
– HUMAN YOUNG WILL BITE IF DISTRESSED OR ANGRY AND EMIT LOUD NOISES THAT CALL MATURE HUMANS TO AID THEM
– human young will beg for domesticated carnivores as companions, and if gifted with one will pack bond with it to an extreme point.
– human young will carry a toy and try to protect and nurture it as if the toy was their own young
– human young require constant stimulation in the form of games or information. They will constantly question things and can spend extraordinary amounts of time asking “why”, often while poking the subject in question
– human young will try to eat anything at least once. Anything. If it will fit into their mouth they will attempt to eat it. If it will not fit into their mouth they will lick it.
-human young will voluntarily deprive themselves of oxygen to the point of unconsciousness in an attempt to trigger protective instincts in older humans so they get their way
– human young display great interest in mimicry, often dressing up as different professions, species, and objects. They also display great skill in mimicking the calls and body language of other species.
*Example: one human young had me quite concerned there was another Treawalbil in distress and I searched for quite some time before I discovered that the young was mimicking a Treawalbil distress trill with complete accuracy.
*Second Example: Human young have begun to wear wear “hats” with artificial crests similar to a Treawalbil and some have begun painting colorful patterns to their arms in imitation of our camouflage.– human young communicate constantly and spread information quickly not only among their own social group but other social groups as well.
*Example: The human young who mimicked a Treawalbil distress trill taught their social group and soon I was surrounded by human young calling out in distress. This caused the Treawalbil researchers much anxiety so the adult humans suggested teaching the young other calls. The human young learned enough for basic communication at an astonishing rate, but then other social groups we had not taught began using the same calls as well. Even adult humans began using the calls to communicate with us without translators.– Young humans will gift beings and creatures they believe to be in their social group with handmade objects, interesting specimens they have collected, or food. Strangely enough, a being does not have to be human in order to belong to a human’s social group.
I saw that last point and the touched bewilderment of the aliens shone through, and I had to write something. 🙂
It was one of the proudest days of our research group when we were the ones selected to be allowed to observe a group of human young. Over all the time since we had first made contact with the humans, we had learned that they were, as a species, very protective of their young. We had clearly been selected for a great honor, and we knew that this could lay the groundwork for remarkably better understanding of the human psyche.
We were informed that we would be allowed to watch a group of young at a “pivotal developmental stage”, in a “normal setting”. We were taken to “Darmen Elementary School’s First Grade Class”. This is a group of young aged around five or six Earth-cycles [years]. They are taught how to express themselves through written symbols, and how to mimic the speech patterns of adults. They also learn how to better interact with other humans, through what appears to mostly be a trial-and-error process.
We learned a great deal about how human young interact, and it was mostly new to us, but there was one event that shocked us all – in the best of ways.
It was the final day of research, we were packing up our notes to analyze back with the rest of our team.
The research group of human young [*henceforth referred to as “class”. This was their chosen moniker, unrelated to their task in the human hierarchy] were excited, we had noticed it earlier that day, but as such bouts of strong group-moods were fairly common as a phenomenon (they appear to help the young sympathize with and relate to one another, useful for encouraging pack-bonding) we simply noted the mood and moved on.
It was only when we were letting one of the adult humans know we planned to depart that it happened.
The children, excitement reaching the peak that always made Xlix’an agitated, swarmed us.
At first we were concerned that they were mock-attacking our researchers. We had been assured early on that all attacks were mock, and not intended to hurt us, and even so the adult humans had been trying to discourage them since we had informed them that we felt it violated our ability to research objectively. (It was more to do with the anxiety-inducing effects of such attacks on several of our researchers, including Xlix’an and Daa, but we did not wish to offend the humans.)
After a few moments, however, it was clear the swarm was not an attack formation. Instead, each young was holding out their hands, and resting on top of the open hands was a small clay object.
Each child had a different object, and they were baring their teeth in the human gesture of excitement and friendship.
I personally looked down to see the small young named “Sidney” jumping up and down in front of me, holding out a small object that passingly resembled a flower.
I shook my head, a gesture we had learned in order to refuse the requests of the young.
It worked remarkably well usually, as they had been instructed to respect our authority and relative objectivity.
When I performed the gesture to refuse Sidney whatever it was xe was requesting, xe stopped jumping.
Seeing my results, my fellow researchers performed the same gesture at the young around them.
But Sidney did not leave. Instead, xe stopped baring xir teeth, and xe stared at me for a long moment, before water started to overflow from xir eyes.
I had seen this reaction before, when a small young had fallen and injured themselves earlier in our research period.
The adults had informed us it was a response to pain that was common in young.
Immediately my spinal feelers began to vibrate with the stress I was feeling, unsure of how I had injured the young in front of me.
I hadn’t wanted to injure them! For a moment I was terrified that I had ruined all Quarlian-Human relations for millions of years to come.
Luckily, that was not the case.
The adults quickly hastened around to soothe the injured young, and one of the adults, displaying a human expression we were mostly unfamiliar with, gestured for us to follow xir into a hallway.
“I’m so sorry,” xe said with xir portable translator, “we didn’t explain. They just want to give you a going-away gift.”
We were confused. Finally I spoke up, not even really needing my portable translator to communicate a message I heard plenty of times from the young. “Why?”
Xe bared xir teeth in the friendly gesture. “It’s something our [human young] do.” Xe explained. “It means they like you.”
I exchanged a look with Hurvii, the one on our team who had been most interested in this particular phenomenon. Neither of us quite believed what we were hearing.
“They are pack-bonding? With US?” I asked. “We are not even of your species!”
We’d seen the young pack-bond with other terrestrial species than their own, but with US??
The human’s mouth opened, baring xir teeth even more, and xe made the barking noise that humans use to indicate amusement.
“They’re [human young].” Xe explained. “They’ll ‘bond’ with anything.”
We accepted the gifts.
And, on the way back to our research base, we all quietly decided that, though humans were terrifying at times, we would give anything to go back and see “our” pack-bonded group again.
Ahh! I love it!
In All Of The ‘Humans Are Weird/Space Orcs/Space Australia’ Why Haven’t We Discussed The Weirdest Trait Of All?
The fact that a lot of humans are interested in true crime and gruesome things like this?
You going to tell me not one human in space isn’t going to be a murderino (bonus points for people who get that reference)?
I know some have discussed about how we like scary movies, but what about…
Human-Jane: *talking about the horrible case of Jeffery Dahmer*
Tar’keha: oh, human-Jane, this is one of your ‘movies’ correct?
Human-Jane: Huh? Oh no! This is all what really happened!
The color drains from Tar’keha’s face.
shealwaysreads 