security called me at work today and told me they saw me outside chasing a frog around on the security cameras. i wasnt in trouble they just wanted to let me know they saw me. i didn’t catch him.
One time I went to the art museum with my friend and we got into an elevator where there was a very conspicuous camera. My friend looked right into the camera and started salaciously rubbing his shirt over his nipples and giving bedroom eyes to the camera. I smacked him and told him to stop, he was going to get us kicked out. He said “don’t worry, they have a whole museum of fancy art to watch, they’re not watching the elevator cams”.
When we got to the top floor, the elevator doors opened and there was a museum docent standing there like she was just…waiting for us. She said “My friends in security asked me to come up here and tell you that they received your message and they like what you’ve got.” and she just. Walked away. And my friend’s entire body turned red and I haven’t stopped laughing to this day.
I feel a bone-deep connection with these security officers.
I do shit like this to people at work all the time when I see them doing funny stuff on the cameras.
things i heard at bars tonight that should definitely be turned into aus:
“we have to empty this machine by tomorrow. i guess we’ll just have to drink it ourselves.” —– a bartender, about a full frozen (margarita?) drink machine
“i can open your thighs, take you wonder by blunder” —- arguably drunk piano singer serenading a varyingly more sober? girl scout troop leader (who was out for her birthday) with bastardized disney songs
me, dodging a crowd: “i love your bowtie!” gay guy, grabbing my hand: “i love you”
“i’m chained to my oppressors. emily, take me away from here.”
confidently: “i’ve got bitches to the left i’ve got bitches to the right i’ve got bitches all around”
“i get enough attention as is i just NEED to be let out of my CHAINS”
“will you shove your foot up my ass? it’s the only thing that makes me come anymore”
Can you imagine how fucking wild ladies must have gone for the rejection in pride and prejudice right after it was first published. This guy’s making ten thousand a year and her family is expecting her to find accommodation for herself sooner rather than later and STILL Lizzie is like “no. No. True love only. And also while I’ve got you here please accept my invitation to fuck off.” I would’ve lost my damn gourd, I would’ve gone bonkers. And group chats didn’t exist so you’d just have to hope your friends were as far into the book as you so you could meet at the village green to throw a fucking riot
I’d write my friends an urgent communique as soon as I’d finished the Collins proposal scene too like “My dearest Anne, you simply won’t BELIEVE the developments of this chapter. Read urgently and respond post fucking haste!!” And seal it with a wax stamp and shit.
shealwaysreads 