if cinderella, star wars, the matrix, dune, the fifth element, flash gordon, the chronicles of riddick, interstellar, brazil, and america’s next top model were genetically spliced together, the resulting offspring would still not be as utterly catastrophically ridiculous as jupiter ascending
this film is beautiful it’s glittering and dust and stars and roiling hurricanes and gleaming insectile spaceships and fire and a million million candles in high-arching space cathedrals
WIDE SHOT OF PLANET WHILE MAJESTIC ORCHESTRAL SCORE
should be called jupiter descending mila kunis spends ninety percent of this film falling out of the sky until rescued by channing tatum who is a tortured wolf-man wearing bad elf-ears and flying skates
SKATING IN MID AIR WHILE THINGS BEAUTIFULLY EXPLODE it’s like the scene where legolas surfs down the stairs on a shield but for TWO HOURS
the romance is weirdly kinky there’s a lot of stuff about biting royalty and “your majesty” it’s very awkward
i love dogs i’ve always loved dogs
chicago looks nice, twinkles a lot
oscar-nominated actor eddie redmayne plays a simpering and exquisitely coiffeured evil space monarch who looks like the offspring of a lizard and a million rhinestones, delivers all his lines like someone’s pressing hard on his windpipe—and (to quote mark kermode) “with a petite-mort look on his face that suggests he is being fellated by eternity itself”
I CREATE LIIIIIIFE shrieks balem abrasax for that is his name
every dress in this film is gorgeous except that wedding dress which looks like it’s badly infested with red tinsel-fungus
RIVENDELL WITH SPACESHIPS
space lizards are very eloquent
space capitalism is the absolute worst
nikki amuka-bird is delightful
having made brazil terry gilliam now required to show up in every dystopian sci-fi about capitalist hell in a sequence that could literally be from terry gilliam’s brazil
SEAN BEAN IS A GRUFF NORTHERN SPACE COP MAN-BEE, likes to have wrestling matches with channing tatum about feelings and (SPOILER ALERT) does not die the universe is out of balance there will be hell to pay for this
there is one shirt for all the male characters and sean bean is wearing it
BEES DON’T LIE
this film is a glory i could cry
I forgot about this post
i need to rewatch this film this film is art and a reflection of my soul
tbh its time for practical buttsex tips because gay fanfics just copypaste each other w/o fact checkin:
lubrication is not optional
even if you’re really experienced, use lube. you aint gonna think he’s that hot when your butthole is bleeding and you potentially get really sick.
condoms are also not optional unless all partners are exclusive to each other and have been tested for STDs. even then, they’re really recommended for other health reasons. barebackin aint usually gonna drop u dead tho.
one finger at a time, people. dont just start punching people in the asshole (thank you tosh.0 for that joke)
scissoring motion is ok but you gotta pair it with other kindsa motions too if u want it to feel like more than an awkward prostate exam
spit is acceptable as lube but you have to use a lot of it and keep re-using it throughout or youre gonna dry up real fast and it’ll be super unpleasant if you already dont get off on butt stuff easy. overall ok in a pinch but lube is still better.
hand lotion, shampoo, coconut oil, vegetable oil, or anything that isnt specifically designed to be lube is not lube.
even vasaline doesnt work for internal lube, because it’s a bitch to clean out and really nasty feeling. oil-based lubes are a no-no.
contrary to popular belief, douching is NOT necessary for anal. if someones putting their mouth down there it’s recommended, sure, and it never hurts to go to the bathroom and then shower first, but spur-of-the-moment buttsex isnt gonna leave you covered in nasty. 9 times outta ten your hand or other body part is gonna come out clean (if you’ve used enough lube).
not everyone who has a prostate likes prostate stimulation. it’s important to write your characters paying attention to each other’s needs and making sure what they’re doing is ok.
actually that rule just follows in general. make sure to highlight consent in your fics
for god’s sake stimulate the front junk when you’re stimulatin the back. whatever is going on as far as front junk goes, there should be a hand or mouth or somethin keepin it stimulated while the back is gettin it. unless a character is specifically into not bein touched, it’s super important for helpin the person being penetrated relax and stay in the mood.
penetration should not be painful!!!!!!! period!! front or back, penetration of any kind should not hurt., if it hurts, you are doing it wrong!! if your partner is aroused enough and well-lubed, penetration is actually pretty easy and stress-free. virgins might get a lil anxious and have trouble relaxin, but that just means more foreplay. not go for it and make them deal with it!!
there are many many types of anal-specific foreplay. learn and utilize! it ain’t just rimming and slapping, guys.
shealwaysreads 